Final Fantasy Tactics Moxie Tactics
by Vinsontran23
Summary: Royalty could be a total jerkface when they have all the power they want. And that's what they have when all the upper class in Final Fantasy Tactics gets a total revision of snobbiness and cookies. Especially cookies. Crack


Final Fantasy Tactics – Moxie Tactics

Chapter 1 – Hit Men

"Wake up maggots!"

Gafgarion, leader of a band of mercenaries, kicked open a cabin door holding all of his men. Quickly, he threw rats into each occupied bunk, sending the entire cabin into havoc.

"Rise and shine, we got a job to do."

Gafgarion threw a bunch of fliers on a table. The piece of paper on top had the words "Princess Escort" written in bold.

"And our manager complained how much hot water you guys were using, so they switched it out with swamp water."

The soldiers groaned all around.

"Don't make me change the cold water too."

…

At a church, Princess Ovelia is praying, sitting down at the first row. A guard approaches.

"Princess Ovelia, you should get going, us underpaid guards are getting impatient and its taco nights at the mess halls."

"I'm trying to pray. Let me pray."

"You're atheist, you don't pray to any god."

"I'm praying that you get struck by lightning when we leave."

"Um, why?"

"Because you brought me here when I could be at home watching 'Gossip Girl'."

"Wasn't it your idea to come here?"

"Yeah, but you could have stopped me!"

"But Miss, your father told me to obey every idiotic whim you have as if you're Paris Hilton."

"You're right, now get me out of here and get me some cookies!"

"We're out of cookies."

"Then make some." Ovelia clenched her fist and waved it in the air. "Got it?"

Elsewhere…

Gafgarion gathered his troops up outside the cabin.

"Ok, first, we're going to go eat. Then we're going to go escort the fair princess Ovelia to her castle."

A troop raised his hand.

"Yes, you, what do you want?"

"Benefits. We don't even get paid."

"But I paid 6,500 gil to free you from that slave trainer of yours and I'm going to use you as I please."

"But he provided us a home with a fire and free food everyday."

"Well guess what? You're my slave now, and whatever I say goes, whether it's charging out into a battlefield or getting me some cookies. Now get me some cookies!"

"I knew I should have joined the navy." The soldier leaves. Someone in the back raises his hand.

"Yes, you, what do you want?"

"When do we leave?"

"We leave when I want to. Why? Does some pathetic, weak-minded soldier not want to go?" Gafgarion walks around to the back of the group and sees a well dress man. "What, you don't want to get your nice robe dirty? Huh? This job too harsh for a man like you?" He slaps the man. "Guess what? You're one of us, and you're going to fight for me whether you like it or not. Now what is your name and rank so I can further degrade you."

"I'm your client, and I'm the one paying you to escort the princess."

"Oh." Gafgarion wipes the man's shirt. "We leave now."

"Too bad, you're fired."

"Damn."

The man leaves. Gafgarion flicks him off.

Elsewhere…outside a church…

"Princess Ovelia. I got those cookies you wanted."

Ovelia takes one and eats it, but spits it back in the guard's face.

"This is bitter! And there are no chocolate chips. You know my favorite cookies are chocolate chip!"

"I know Madam, but we were out of flour and chocolate chips so we used corn mix and horse droppings."

"What? I demand to know who thought of this idea."

"Some of the boys that haven't eaten since you drove us here this morning."

"How long have they been waiting?"

"Over five hours."

"Normally my standard is seven hours, but I guess I could make an exception, if you eat this cookie."

"What? No!"

"Then our troops must suffer for two more hours without eating."

"But it's disgusting!"

"Well I just ate some of it, so now Captain, you too must eat it."

"Hand it over then."

Captain takes cookie and takes a bite.

"Oh god, its so…mushy!"

"Swallow it, swallow it!"

"But it's so disgusting!"

"Do it! For the troops!"

"Gulp…ok. Can we go now?"

"Yeah, let's go. And bake me some real cookies!"

To be continued…


End file.
